I received some requests for Beth's Black Bean Vegetarian Chili recipe, and after losing 2 out of 3 armwrestling matches, she has graciously agreed to let me post it.
Black Bean Vegetarian Chili
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Sunday Recipe: Beth's Black Bean Vegetarian Chili
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Respect the Cruller, and TAME the Donut: Immediate Changes - Diet
Ok, here’s the problem: I like food. I mean, I really like food. And, well, I like bad food. Pizza, cheesesteaks, bagels, big pasta meals: these are the staples I grew up on in Jersey. Of course, as an active kid and teenager, I could eat these things with reckless disregard for my health. (You see, I had Nintendo, but I didn’t spend all day playing video games. I was actually playing in this strange and mysterious place called “outside.”) But now, in my 30s, you can find the evidence of all of these foods in my considerable rear-end.
.
Obviously, I am going to be eating less, fewer calories. Not an ultra-low calorie diet, because that won’t work in the long-term. I’ll be going for foods with whole grains, high protein and low fat (but some fat, especially good fats). I will eat lots of fruits and vegetables, as well. Again, as with the exercise, I will be doing research and trying new things as I go along. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated, and I will write about them here. For now, here are some key points I need to address:
.
I need to make like Whitney Houston, and get off the Coke.
.
Aww, Hell to the No!
.
No, I’m not talking about the magical nose powder that has helped keep celebrities skinny over the years. (Hey, there’s a diet tactic I haven’t tried!) I refer to a substance much more addictive: Coca-Cola.
.
Let me tell you, I just love that bubbly, brown sugar-water. Coca-Cola’s original recipe contained cocaine, and I’m 62% certain it no longer does. Nevertheless, I’ve been addicted, and I know a lot of people are out there with me. So, the plan to start is to transition through Diet Dr. Pepper, which has no calories and twice the number of ingredients the average person can’t pronounce.
.
Eventually, I will get rid of soft drinks altogether. No matter how much we believe it, diet drinks aren’t good for you, either. The answer: water, water, water.
.
The Mysterious and Elusive “Well-Balanced Breakfast”
.
I love cereal commercials, especially the ones that tell you that “Super Fruity Cocoa Sugar Bombs are part of a well-balanced breakfast.” The picture which, presumably, is portraying the “well-balanced breakfast”, includes the following:
.
- An orange
- A banana
- Two slices of dry whole-wheat toast
- An 8 oz. glass of milk
- An 8 oz. glass of juice
- Vitamin supplements
- An IV containing all the vital nutrients your body needs
- Insulin
- And, finally, one tiny bowl of the cereal.
.
So, what is one to do for breakfast? The most important meal of the day is the one most often skipped. I’m guilty of that. In fact, here are my top-4 breakfast scenarios in order of descending frequency:
.
1. No breakfast – This, believe it or not, it is the worst thing you could do for yourself.
2. One huge bowl of cereal – Have you actually ever measured out one serving of cereal? Try it. You’ll be mortified.
3. Two Bagels – If Ohio had pork roll, this would probably be #2.
4. Two chicken biscuits from Chick-Fil-A - Have you tried these things?!! They are awesome! I’m just lucky there isn’t one within 15 mintues of me.
.
Snap! Pop! Crackle just fainted. Pick him up and get him out of here.
.
Yes, I’ve been messing up breakfast big time. Where do I go from here? Well, I will have a piece of fruit along with a bowl of sensible, grown-up cereal (i.e. Total, Special K, etc.) as my “standard breakfast,” so to speak. If I want to mix it up, I can make some eggs. I’ll also take any suggestions in mixing up a healthy breakfast, because I clearly need help.
.
Stop Adding Donuts to Everything
.
In college, my friend, Mike, and I came up with the “Donut Diet.” The basic concept was that there was no food so unhealthy that you couldn’t make it worse (but more delicious) by adding donuts to it. Think hot dogs are bad for you? Try sliding one of those puppies between two crullers. Worried about the calories in Peanut Butter Cups? Stuff a couple into a jelly-filled mound of fried dough. I know what you’re thinking: What about donuts? Just add more donuts, my friend.
.
Mind you, we never actually partook in this diet. It was just a joke. However, in thinking about what I’ve been doing to the wonderfully delicious and healthy meals Beth has been making for me, I might as well have been adding donuts to everything.
.
For example, my wife makes a fantastic Black Bean Vegetarian Chili. It tastes great and is chock-full of healthy goodness. So, what do I do to it? I add cheese, sour cream, guacamole and, if we have any, tortilla chips or Fritos. In other words, I'd add fat, fat, ultra-delicious fat and fried fat. I may as well have dumped a whole box of Munchkins in there, too.
.
This is what I'm talking about. I need to be making smart, healthy choices. And now, I think, I'm on the right path.
P.S. Immediate pop culture bonus points for anyone who can tell me from where the title of this post comes.
.
Obviously, I am going to be eating less, fewer calories. Not an ultra-low calorie diet, because that won’t work in the long-term. I’ll be going for foods with whole grains, high protein and low fat (but some fat, especially good fats). I will eat lots of fruits and vegetables, as well. Again, as with the exercise, I will be doing research and trying new things as I go along. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated, and I will write about them here. For now, here are some key points I need to address:
.
I need to make like Whitney Houston, and get off the Coke.
.
Aww, Hell to the No!
.
No, I’m not talking about the magical nose powder that has helped keep celebrities skinny over the years. (Hey, there’s a diet tactic I haven’t tried!) I refer to a substance much more addictive: Coca-Cola.
.
Let me tell you, I just love that bubbly, brown sugar-water. Coca-Cola’s original recipe contained cocaine, and I’m 62% certain it no longer does. Nevertheless, I’ve been addicted, and I know a lot of people are out there with me. So, the plan to start is to transition through Diet Dr. Pepper, which has no calories and twice the number of ingredients the average person can’t pronounce.
.
Eventually, I will get rid of soft drinks altogether. No matter how much we believe it, diet drinks aren’t good for you, either. The answer: water, water, water.
.
The Mysterious and Elusive “Well-Balanced Breakfast”
.
I love cereal commercials, especially the ones that tell you that “Super Fruity Cocoa Sugar Bombs are part of a well-balanced breakfast.” The picture which, presumably, is portraying the “well-balanced breakfast”, includes the following:
.
- An orange
- A banana
- Two slices of dry whole-wheat toast
- An 8 oz. glass of milk
- An 8 oz. glass of juice
- Vitamin supplements
- An IV containing all the vital nutrients your body needs
- Insulin
- And, finally, one tiny bowl of the cereal.
.
So, what is one to do for breakfast? The most important meal of the day is the one most often skipped. I’m guilty of that. In fact, here are my top-4 breakfast scenarios in order of descending frequency:
.
1. No breakfast – This, believe it or not, it is the worst thing you could do for yourself.
2. One huge bowl of cereal – Have you actually ever measured out one serving of cereal? Try it. You’ll be mortified.
3. Two Bagels – If Ohio had pork roll, this would probably be #2.
4. Two chicken biscuits from Chick-Fil-A - Have you tried these things?!! They are awesome! I’m just lucky there isn’t one within 15 mintues of me.
.
Snap! Pop! Crackle just fainted. Pick him up and get him out of here.
.
Yes, I’ve been messing up breakfast big time. Where do I go from here? Well, I will have a piece of fruit along with a bowl of sensible, grown-up cereal (i.e. Total, Special K, etc.) as my “standard breakfast,” so to speak. If I want to mix it up, I can make some eggs. I’ll also take any suggestions in mixing up a healthy breakfast, because I clearly need help.
.
Stop Adding Donuts to Everything
.
In college, my friend, Mike, and I came up with the “Donut Diet.” The basic concept was that there was no food so unhealthy that you couldn’t make it worse (but more delicious) by adding donuts to it. Think hot dogs are bad for you? Try sliding one of those puppies between two crullers. Worried about the calories in Peanut Butter Cups? Stuff a couple into a jelly-filled mound of fried dough. I know what you’re thinking: What about donuts? Just add more donuts, my friend.
.
Mind you, we never actually partook in this diet. It was just a joke. However, in thinking about what I’ve been doing to the wonderfully delicious and healthy meals Beth has been making for me, I might as well have been adding donuts to everything.
.
For example, my wife makes a fantastic Black Bean Vegetarian Chili. It tastes great and is chock-full of healthy goodness. So, what do I do to it? I add cheese, sour cream, guacamole and, if we have any, tortilla chips or Fritos. In other words, I'd add fat, fat, ultra-delicious fat and fried fat. I may as well have dumped a whole box of Munchkins in there, too.
.
This is what I'm talking about. I need to be making smart, healthy choices. And now, I think, I'm on the right path.
P.S. Immediate pop culture bonus points for anyone who can tell me from where the title of this post comes.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Let's Get It Started: Immediate Changes - Exercise
Heaven help me. I just used a Black-Eyed Peas reference. You’ll have to forgive me: I had some Boom Boom Pow Chicken the other night, and it didn’t settle well. It tasted a little Fergie.
.
At least I’m not quoting Nickelback.
.
But seriously, I’ve made some immediate changes, identifying my most serious trouble points and altering them for the better. Since this post would have been too long to discuss both fitness and food, I’m addressing exercise habits today and eating habits tomorrow.
.
“I’ve Got A Feeling” these are going to help. (Yes, I am hanging my head in shame here. Damn you, will.i.am with your hip, kitschy style and catchy grooves!)
.
I’ve got to go to the Y-M-C-A!!
.
From what I understand, The Village People were the Black-Eyed Peas of the 70s. (Author's Note: Okay, I just made that up.)
.
So, how can I improve my exercise habits? Well, exercise would be a good start.
We have a family membership to the YMCA. I just need to face my fear of swine flu and get in there. If Kermit can still love Miss Piggy in these troubled times, I can use an elliptical after thoroughly cleaning, disinfecting and sterilizting it. I think I’ll stop at Sam’s Club and buy a 2 gallon jug of Purell on the way.
.
I know many of you have done this, so don’t lie to me. You haven’t worked out for a considerable amount of time, so you think, “Hey! I’m going to work out really hard today!” Somehow, you believe that you are going to undo 6 months of sitting on the couch in one 2 ½ hour workout. And what happens? Right. You are unable to move for the next three days, hiding the grimaces of pain when you have to shake someone’s hand and finding that brushing your teeth is suddenly the most difficult task anyone has ever had to take on in the history of the world!
.
At the sage counsel of my dentist, I am trying to avoid that.
.
So, for the first two weeks:
.
- 20 minutes walking/light jog/elliptical. 4 days a week.
- Light weights alternating between chest/triceps, back/biceps, shoulders/legs. 3 days a week.
.
I know that sounds like I’m working out 7 days a week, but I will do the light weights on the same days as the light cardio. I’ll also be mixing in walks with the girls and, perhaps, playing some tennis with Beth on the off-days.
.
I’m So Three-Thousand-and-Eight – Looking to the future
.
When I think I’ve gotten to the point where I can try new things, I will. I want to try yoga, pilates, zumba, etc. and write about those experiences. Of course, that means I should probably change the name of the blog to “The Merry Masochist.” And please give me suggestions, dear reader. I will try anything and everything at least once, except maybe “stripperobics.” Oh, who am I kidding? Break out the pole.
One of life's most vexing philosopical questions:
.
If Bryan could do this, would anyone want to see it?
.
At least I’m not quoting Nickelback.
.
But seriously, I’ve made some immediate changes, identifying my most serious trouble points and altering them for the better. Since this post would have been too long to discuss both fitness and food, I’m addressing exercise habits today and eating habits tomorrow.
.
“I’ve Got A Feeling” these are going to help. (Yes, I am hanging my head in shame here. Damn you, will.i.am with your hip, kitschy style and catchy grooves!)
.
I’ve got to go to the Y-M-C-A!!
.
From what I understand, The Village People were the Black-Eyed Peas of the 70s. (Author's Note: Okay, I just made that up.)
.
So, how can I improve my exercise habits? Well, exercise would be a good start.
We have a family membership to the YMCA. I just need to face my fear of swine flu and get in there. If Kermit can still love Miss Piggy in these troubled times, I can use an elliptical after thoroughly cleaning, disinfecting and sterilizting it. I think I’ll stop at Sam’s Club and buy a 2 gallon jug of Purell on the way.
.
I know many of you have done this, so don’t lie to me. You haven’t worked out for a considerable amount of time, so you think, “Hey! I’m going to work out really hard today!” Somehow, you believe that you are going to undo 6 months of sitting on the couch in one 2 ½ hour workout. And what happens? Right. You are unable to move for the next three days, hiding the grimaces of pain when you have to shake someone’s hand and finding that brushing your teeth is suddenly the most difficult task anyone has ever had to take on in the history of the world!
.
At the sage counsel of my dentist, I am trying to avoid that.
.
So, for the first two weeks:
.
- 20 minutes walking/light jog/elliptical. 4 days a week.
- Light weights alternating between chest/triceps, back/biceps, shoulders/legs. 3 days a week.
.
I know that sounds like I’m working out 7 days a week, but I will do the light weights on the same days as the light cardio. I’ll also be mixing in walks with the girls and, perhaps, playing some tennis with Beth on the off-days.
.
I’m So Three-Thousand-and-Eight – Looking to the future
.
When I think I’ve gotten to the point where I can try new things, I will. I want to try yoga, pilates, zumba, etc. and write about those experiences. Of course, that means I should probably change the name of the blog to “The Merry Masochist.” And please give me suggestions, dear reader. I will try anything and everything at least once, except maybe “stripperobics.” Oh, who am I kidding? Break out the pole.
One of life's most vexing philosopical questions:
.
If Bryan could do this, would anyone want to see it?
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Get Back on that Sled: Lessons from my Sister
When I was six, my family was having a lot of company for the weekend. Not only would they be using the guest room, but my sister’s bedroom as well. Danielle, four at the time, and I were very excited about this, as we came up with a mischievous plan: We were going to stay up all night talking! Hee-hee. Shhh! Don’t tell Mom and Dad!
.
So, at 8:30 (8:30! We convinced our mom to let us stay up an extra half-hour!), we both lied in my bed. I asked her, “What do you want to talk about?” She thought for a couple seconds and shouted, “FOOOOOOD!!!” In typical childhood fashion, i.e. nonsensical and wonderful, we could not stop laughing. That became a big joke between us from that point on.
.
I’ve learned so many things from Danielle, including some I will apply through this journey toward health. I’d like to share just a couple if I could.
Get Back on That Sled
When we were little, my family lived on top of a hill (some called it a mountain) with a long, steep and narrow driveway. Perfect for sledding, except for the little fact that you pretty much had to crash your sled into the rocks on the side of the driveway to avoid being flattened by the large rock at the sharp turn halfway down it.
It was awesome.
Danielle and I would sled down it every winter. And every winter, it was the same thing. We’d jump on the sled together, head down the hill at speeds the Jamaican bobsled team could only dream about and crash and flip somewhere along the way.
.
I would pick myself up and brush off the snow.
Danielle would cry.
.
.
I would find the sled (most of the time) and make sure it didn’t break or dent.
.
.
Danielle would cry.
.
I’d start making my trip back up the driveway.
.
Danielle would follow me…and cry.
.
.
Every time we got back to the top of the hill, I’d put the sled down and ask her if she wanted to go down again.
.
She’d always reply: “Waaah!”...sniff, gasp, sniff...“Okay.” And we’d do it all over again.
.
.
In life, no matter how many shots she took, how many times she fell and how long and steep the trip back up the hill was, she’d always work her way back…and she’d get back on that sled. (And yes, crying was often involved.)
.
Do it for the Kids
.
Danielle battled with her weight in adult life, much like I have. When she was 26, she gave birth to Connor, and she knew she needed to make herself healthier for him. And she started doing it.
Connor on St. Patty's Day, 2008.
It only took two green beers to get him in this outfit. Lightweight.
It was beautiful to see, not just losing the weight and getting healthier, but seeing her happier than she had ever been in her life being a mother to her precious little boy. Everything was for him now. Along with our own parents, Danielle showed me a great deal of what being a parent was all about, and I am grateful for that. I am and will be a better Daddy to Lorelei and Noelle, because of her, and she has given me the strength to do this.
Danielle holding Lorelei the day the girls were born.
One year ago, today, Danielle passed away. She just went to bed one night and didn’t wake up the next morning. It was a pulmonary embolism, a fluke thing. She was 28. Sometimes, even at your healthiest, these things can happen.
You may have noticed I had a different topic planned for today. I was going to discuss early diet and exercise strategies and what future research I would do to develop the plan. I’ll talk about that tomorrow. It’s just that every time I sat down to write this, all I wanted to write about was her.
Danielle was my sister and my best friend, and I miss her very much. Obviously, what I’ve written is just a snapshot of who she was. Thanks for indulging me, dear readers.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Wednesday Weigh-In
Weighty Issues
.
First, the bad news...
.
In the immortal words of Bill Lumbergh, "Yeeeeeaaaaah...." You know when your local news does a story about how your city/state/region is getting fatter? Apparently, I'm the guy they show with his face blacked out.
.
This is more than 100 pounds heavier than I ever was in high school (except when I had shingles for 2 1/2 months, but that's a whole other story). It's about 40 pounds heavier than I ever was at any point in college or law school, and trust me, I wasn't exactly an Abercrombie & Fitch model back then.
.
So, for some reason that extends far beyond rational thought, I want to know my Body Mass Index (BMI). What is BMI? Here's some information direct from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: http://www.cdc.gov/healthyweight/assessing/bmi/.
.
Basically, BMI is a number calculated from a person's height and weight. It provides a reliable indicator of body fatness for most people and is used to screen for weight categories that may lead to health problems.
.
Here are the BMI Categories:
.
Underweight = <18.5>
Normal weight = 18.5-24.9
Overweight = 25-29.9
Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater
.
So what is my BMI? I am 5' 8" tall, and I weigh 274.0 pounds. Based on the BMI calculator at the CDC website, my BMI is 41.7. Just to recap: Obese is 30 or greater, and I'm at 41.7. According to the BMI chart, I need to lose 70 pounds just not to be obese anymore. Wow. I never knew it was that bad.
.
Now, the good news...no, there is no good news. I'm not dead yet; I suppose that's the biggest positive I can take away from this. I guess I'm not big enough to have Jillian Michaels yelling at me on NBC. All I can say at this stage is that I am doing this, and I'm not going anywhere until I get down to a normal weight according to the BMI. That's the long-term goal.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2.) Zydrunas Ilgauskas - Center,
Cleveland Cavaliers - 7’3” 260 lbs.
.
Zydrunas says, "Bryan weighs THIIIIIS much!"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
3.) Hasheem Thabeet - Center, Memphis Grizzlies - 7’3” 267 lbs.
.
4.) Brook Lopez - Center, New Jersey Nets - 7’0” 260 lbs.
5.) Jermaine O’Neal - Center, Miami Heat - 6’11” 255 lbs.
.
6.) Kosta Koufos - Center, Utah Jazz - 7’0” 265 lbs.
.
7.) Primo Brezec - Center, Philadelphia 76ers - 7’0” 255 lbs.
.
8.) Andrew Bogut - Center, Milwaulkee Bucks - 7’0” 260 lbs.
.
9.) Brad Miller - Center, Chicago Bulls - 7’0” 261 lbs.
.
10.) Erick Dampier - Center, Dallas Mavericks - 6’11” 265 lbs.
.
Perhaps, you notice a common theme here, like, oh, I don't know:
.
THESE ARE ALL NBA CENTERS WHO ARE AT LEAST 6 FEET, 11 INCHES TALL!!!
.
Each of these men is at least fifteen inches taller than I am; each is supposed to be very strong to play his position at the professional level. I weigh more than all of them. The scariest thing is that I felt compelled to look up Shaquille O'Neal just to make sure I don't weigh more than the original "Big Daddy" does. Yes, Shaquille O'-frickin'-Neal!! As it turns out, Shaq has more than 50 pounds on me (7'1" 325 lbs.), not that that is something I should be celebrating.
.
Next Week's Goal
.
Okay, so I've already said my long-term goal is to be in the normal weight category under the BMI standards. It's quite clear that my first medium-term goal is to weigh less than every true center in the NBA. Yikes. I'm still shaking my head in disbelief. For next week, though, I am thinking shorter-term. Since I am easing my way into this and am looking for long-term health rather than crash dieting, I am going to say: 4 - 6 lbs. This seems reasonable, since I am, in theory, going to lose some water weight in the early going.
.
What do you think? Did I set the bar too high? Too low? Are you terrified to find out what very large professional athletes weigh less than you do? I don't recommend it, unless you are really, really ready for it.
Tomorrow: Baby Steps, or How the Hell Am I Going to Do This?!
.
First, the bad news...
.
Starting Weight: 274.0 lbs
.In the immortal words of Bill Lumbergh, "Yeeeeeaaaaah...." You know when your local news does a story about how your city/state/region is getting fatter? Apparently, I'm the guy they show with his face blacked out.
.
This is more than 100 pounds heavier than I ever was in high school (except when I had shingles for 2 1/2 months, but that's a whole other story). It's about 40 pounds heavier than I ever was at any point in college or law school, and trust me, I wasn't exactly an Abercrombie & Fitch model back then.
.
So, for some reason that extends far beyond rational thought, I want to know my Body Mass Index (BMI). What is BMI? Here's some information direct from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: http://www.cdc.gov/healthyweight/assessing/bmi/.
.
Basically, BMI is a number calculated from a person's height and weight. It provides a reliable indicator of body fatness for most people and is used to screen for weight categories that may lead to health problems.
.
Here are the BMI Categories:
.
Underweight = <18.5>
Normal weight = 18.5-24.9
Overweight = 25-29.9
Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater
.
So what is my BMI? I am 5' 8" tall, and I weigh 274.0 pounds. Based on the BMI calculator at the CDC website, my BMI is 41.7. Just to recap: Obese is 30 or greater, and I'm at 41.7. According to the BMI chart, I need to lose 70 pounds just not to be obese anymore. Wow. I never knew it was that bad.
.
Now, the good news...no, there is no good news. I'm not dead yet; I suppose that's the biggest positive I can take away from this. I guess I'm not big enough to have Jillian Michaels yelling at me on NBC. All I can say at this stage is that I am doing this, and I'm not going anywhere until I get down to a normal weight according to the BMI. That's the long-term goal.
.
Ten People Who Currently Weigh Less Than I Do
.
1.) Dwight Howard - Center, Orlando Magic - 6’11” 265 lbs.
..
.
.
.
.
2.) Zydrunas Ilgauskas - Center,
Cleveland Cavaliers - 7’3” 260 lbs.
.
Zydrunas says, "Bryan weighs THIIIIIS much!"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
3.) Hasheem Thabeet - Center, Memphis Grizzlies - 7’3” 267 lbs.
.
4.) Brook Lopez - Center, New Jersey Nets - 7’0” 260 lbs.
5.) Jermaine O’Neal - Center, Miami Heat - 6’11” 255 lbs.
.
6.) Kosta Koufos - Center, Utah Jazz - 7’0” 265 lbs.
.
7.) Primo Brezec - Center, Philadelphia 76ers - 7’0” 255 lbs.
.
8.) Andrew Bogut - Center, Milwaulkee Bucks - 7’0” 260 lbs.
.
9.) Brad Miller - Center, Chicago Bulls - 7’0” 261 lbs.
.
10.) Erick Dampier - Center, Dallas Mavericks - 6’11” 265 lbs.
.
Perhaps, you notice a common theme here, like, oh, I don't know:
.
THESE ARE ALL NBA CENTERS WHO ARE AT LEAST 6 FEET, 11 INCHES TALL!!!
.
Each of these men is at least fifteen inches taller than I am; each is supposed to be very strong to play his position at the professional level. I weigh more than all of them. The scariest thing is that I felt compelled to look up Shaquille O'Neal just to make sure I don't weigh more than the original "Big Daddy" does. Yes, Shaquille O'-frickin'-Neal!! As it turns out, Shaq has more than 50 pounds on me (7'1" 325 lbs.), not that that is something I should be celebrating.
.
Next Week's Goal
.
Okay, so I've already said my long-term goal is to be in the normal weight category under the BMI standards. It's quite clear that my first medium-term goal is to weigh less than every true center in the NBA. Yikes. I'm still shaking my head in disbelief. For next week, though, I am thinking shorter-term. Since I am easing my way into this and am looking for long-term health rather than crash dieting, I am going to say: 4 - 6 lbs. This seems reasonable, since I am, in theory, going to lose some water weight in the early going.
.
What do you think? Did I set the bar too high? Too low? Are you terrified to find out what very large professional athletes weigh less than you do? I don't recommend it, unless you are really, really ready for it.
Tomorrow: Baby Steps, or How the Hell Am I Going to Do This?!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Bad Omens, Evil Portents and Other Signs I'm Doing the Right Thing
The Universe appears to be on my side in this decision to lose weight, though it has a sick way of letting me know. At least, that's what I'm taking from the two darkly comical events which have transpired over the last twelve hours.
From the Mouths of Babes...
First, Lorelei and Noelle are two of the best-sleeping toddlers I have ever known, twelve hours straight every night. However, on this strange, early morning, Lorelei decided that she was going to wake up at four and that she was staying UP. No way is she going back to sleep. She wants milk, and she wants it NOW. So, I take her downstairs for some "magical cow juice," which is what Beth and I have called it ever since Lorelei has understood the word "milk." I pop on the TV and flip through the channels, hoping to find anything that wouldn't tempt me to buy a leopard-print Snuggie.
"Roseanne" is on Nick-at-Nite, and it's an older episode, so I'm happy. That is, until Lorelei takes one look at John Goodman, points and says, "Dada."
"Really, Lorelei? Really? John Goodman. Really."
I think Mr. Goodman is a great comical actor, but the man had to lose weight to play Babe Ruth! I've got a long way to go.
Dead Scales Tell No Tales...
Then, later this morning, and according to my plan, I go to weigh myself in for the first time. About our scale, it weighs in tenths of a pound and give a body-mass index (BMI) number. This is what I'll be using to check my progress. The scale also has a function where we can program in our age, height and gender so that it can give us the most accurate reading as possible. Don't ask me where we bought this space-age wonder, but it's a shame I've been ignoring it for the past five years.
[Author's note: Beth has informed me that the "space-age" scale I so admired was purchased for less than $20 five years ago. Also, the second number it provides is NOT the BMI number, but rather a body fat percentage. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.]
So, I program my age (31), height (5'8") and gender (male -- most of you probably knew that one). The scale then gives me its prompt to hop on. (For the record, I did NOT hop.) After a few seconds, the scale tells me my weight. The horror, the hor-ror. We'll get to that shock-inducing number tomorrow, and I will reveal it to you, dear reader. But for this moment, I need to discuss what happened next. Just when I think things couldn't get any worse, they certainly did.
I had already decided to weigh myself twice at every weigh-in, just to make sure I get an accurate reading. So, in keeping with that course of action, I go ahead and hit the "Profile 1" button to show my stats and let me weigh-in again.
Nothing.
I hit it again.
Still nothing.
I try hitting every button on the scale to turn it on.
Nada. Zilch. Nothing.
The scale just sat there, lifeless. So, of course, one thought kept running through my head:
Dear Lord. The scale decided to off itself rather than have me step on it again.
I tried to rationalize this with other thoughts. Perhaps, the scale had become so lonely and upset from years of neglect that it decided to end it all and was waiting for the opportunity when someone would know what it had done. Or the scale was on its last legs anyway and wanted just one more weigh-in before heading to that big scrap heap in the sky. Or maybe, just maybe it realized that it had climbed Mt. Everest, nay, weighed Mt. Everest, and that there was nothing further it could accomplish in its life. Thus, it was a happy and honorable death.
Well, as it turned out, the batteries had died right at the exact moment between my first and second weigh-ins. Six double-As later, the scale was in perfect working order. Are you kidding me?!! Someone is laughing at me right now. You know, I mean besides you, dear reader. But like I said, at least I know I'm doing the right thing.
Tomorrow: Ten People Who Weigh Less Than I Do Right Now
Thursday: Baby Steps, or How the Hell Am I Going to Do This?
From the Mouths of Babes...
First, Lorelei and Noelle are two of the best-sleeping toddlers I have ever known, twelve hours straight every night. However, on this strange, early morning, Lorelei decided that she was going to wake up at four and that she was staying UP. No way is she going back to sleep. She wants milk, and she wants it NOW. So, I take her downstairs for some "magical cow juice," which is what Beth and I have called it ever since Lorelei has understood the word "milk." I pop on the TV and flip through the channels, hoping to find anything that wouldn't tempt me to buy a leopard-print Snuggie.
"Roseanne" is on Nick-at-Nite, and it's an older episode, so I'm happy. That is, until Lorelei takes one look at John Goodman, points and says, "Dada."
"Really, Lorelei? Really? John Goodman. Really."
I think Mr. Goodman is a great comical actor, but the man had to lose weight to play Babe Ruth! I've got a long way to go.
Dead Scales Tell No Tales...
Then, later this morning, and according to my plan, I go to weigh myself in for the first time. About our scale, it weighs in tenths of a pound and give a body-mass index (BMI) number. This is what I'll be using to check my progress. The scale also has a function where we can program in our age, height and gender so that it can give us the most accurate reading as possible. Don't ask me where we bought this space-age wonder, but it's a shame I've been ignoring it for the past five years.
[Author's note: Beth has informed me that the "space-age" scale I so admired was purchased for less than $20 five years ago. Also, the second number it provides is NOT the BMI number, but rather a body fat percentage. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.]
So, I program my age (31), height (5'8") and gender (male -- most of you probably knew that one). The scale then gives me its prompt to hop on. (For the record, I did NOT hop.) After a few seconds, the scale tells me my weight. The horror, the hor-ror. We'll get to that shock-inducing number tomorrow, and I will reveal it to you, dear reader. But for this moment, I need to discuss what happened next. Just when I think things couldn't get any worse, they certainly did.
I had already decided to weigh myself twice at every weigh-in, just to make sure I get an accurate reading. So, in keeping with that course of action, I go ahead and hit the "Profile 1" button to show my stats and let me weigh-in again.
Nothing.
I hit it again.
Still nothing.
I try hitting every button on the scale to turn it on.
Nada. Zilch. Nothing.
The scale just sat there, lifeless. So, of course, one thought kept running through my head:
Dear Lord. The scale decided to off itself rather than have me step on it again.
I tried to rationalize this with other thoughts. Perhaps, the scale had become so lonely and upset from years of neglect that it decided to end it all and was waiting for the opportunity when someone would know what it had done. Or the scale was on its last legs anyway and wanted just one more weigh-in before heading to that big scrap heap in the sky. Or maybe, just maybe it realized that it had climbed Mt. Everest, nay, weighed Mt. Everest, and that there was nothing further it could accomplish in its life. Thus, it was a happy and honorable death.
Well, as it turned out, the batteries had died right at the exact moment between my first and second weigh-ins. Six double-As later, the scale was in perfect working order. Are you kidding me?!! Someone is laughing at me right now. You know, I mean besides you, dear reader. But like I said, at least I know I'm doing the right thing.
Tomorrow: Ten People Who Weigh Less Than I Do Right Now
Thursday: Baby Steps, or How the Hell Am I Going to Do This?
Monday, October 5, 2009
That Darn Little "s"
So, why are we here?
Recently, I took my girls and visited my family out in New Jersey. We ordered-in Chinese one night. I had Boneless Spare Ribs with a side of Pork Fried Rice. In other words, pork, pork, more pork and fried stuff. Now, if you add pork to anything, I’m in, but that’s not the part of the meal I want to discuss. Rather, I want to talk about the greatest of all Chinese food traditions (yes, even better than MSG!!): the Fortune Cookie.
Normally, the Fortune Cookie is a rather innocuous part of the classic Americanized Chinese meal. You get a nice piece of origami made of sugar. You chuckle off the fact that “A great fortune will soon come your way,” or that “People respond to your kind and giving nature,” and let the food coma sink in. That’s the end of it, really. You're not supposed to think about it ever again...ever, ever again.
But, oh no! On this day, my old friend, the Fortune Cookie, so loyal and so comforting all these years, decided to betray me. Instead of providing hollow promises of riches-to-come or placating me with empty platitudes, it had to talk about “maturity.”
“Maturity is the acceptance of imperfections,” it read.
Thanks, Fortune Cookie, way to get all serious on me. If I wanted reality, I’d turn on an episode of “The Real Housewives of New York.” That’s reality, right? What next? It’s going to tell me to “Brush and floss after every meal” or “Always say please and thank you.”
The message from my newest “frenemy” stuck in my craw. For the next few days, I could not figure out why the fortune’s little message bothered me so much. After all, the recent Mega Millions drawing had already demonstrated that my lucky numbers were NOT, in fact, 32, 26, 43, 45, 17 and 8. So, the Fortune Cookie’s credibility had been destroyed. Why should I still be caught in its message?
Then, it hit me. It was that “s.” That darn little “s.” If the message had told me that “Maturity was the acceptance of imperfection,” I would have accepted it without question. Of course, nobody is perfect. I can see that. But that darn little “s.” I understand that the author either (1) didn’t think about what pluralizing “imperfection” meant, or (2) was just trying to make middle-aged people feel better about their wrinkles and gray hairs. Perhaps, the company that makes these cookies is part of a global conglomerate which also makes Oil of Olay. Come to think of it, my tongue has never had such a youthful glow. Either way, it shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did. That’s because that little “s” made me think of another word that starts with “s”: Settling. It made me think that we were being told not just to accept the state of not being perfect, but rather, to accept everything that is wrong, that is not perfect, with ourselves. To settle and accept even those things which we didn’t like but could change about ourselves. I didn’t like that one bit.
But for that “s,” that darn little “s,” there would have been no nagging sensation in the back of my mind, no inexplicable tugging at my conscience, and no incoherent rambling for you to look upon, dear reader. It made me think about the thing which I could have changed about myself for over a decade, but didn’t: My weight.
I’ll address the history of my weight later, but to sum up, I’ve been a pretty big dude for about 12 years now, since freshman year of college. So, I’ve decided to do something about it. I’ve decided to not settle and accept the fact that I am just fat and that’s the end of it. I need to be better for myself, my wife and my girls.
So that’s where we are, readers. This is the journey we begin, and it promises to be a long, difficult but hopefully entertaining one. I will always be looking for help, tips, encouragement and someone to keep me in line. So, please chime in and share anytime you feel like it. Thanks for being here.
Tomorrow: The First Weigh-In…Ugh.
Recently, I took my girls and visited my family out in New Jersey. We ordered-in Chinese one night. I had Boneless Spare Ribs with a side of Pork Fried Rice. In other words, pork, pork, more pork and fried stuff. Now, if you add pork to anything, I’m in, but that’s not the part of the meal I want to discuss. Rather, I want to talk about the greatest of all Chinese food traditions (yes, even better than MSG!!): the Fortune Cookie.
Normally, the Fortune Cookie is a rather innocuous part of the classic Americanized Chinese meal. You get a nice piece of origami made of sugar. You chuckle off the fact that “A great fortune will soon come your way,” or that “People respond to your kind and giving nature,” and let the food coma sink in. That’s the end of it, really. You're not supposed to think about it ever again...ever, ever again.
But, oh no! On this day, my old friend, the Fortune Cookie, so loyal and so comforting all these years, decided to betray me. Instead of providing hollow promises of riches-to-come or placating me with empty platitudes, it had to talk about “maturity.”
“Maturity is the acceptance of imperfections,” it read.
Thanks, Fortune Cookie, way to get all serious on me. If I wanted reality, I’d turn on an episode of “The Real Housewives of New York.” That’s reality, right? What next? It’s going to tell me to “Brush and floss after every meal” or “Always say please and thank you.”
The message from my newest “frenemy” stuck in my craw. For the next few days, I could not figure out why the fortune’s little message bothered me so much. After all, the recent Mega Millions drawing had already demonstrated that my lucky numbers were NOT, in fact, 32, 26, 43, 45, 17 and 8. So, the Fortune Cookie’s credibility had been destroyed. Why should I still be caught in its message?
Then, it hit me. It was that “s.” That darn little “s.” If the message had told me that “Maturity was the acceptance of imperfection,” I would have accepted it without question. Of course, nobody is perfect. I can see that. But that darn little “s.” I understand that the author either (1) didn’t think about what pluralizing “imperfection” meant, or (2) was just trying to make middle-aged people feel better about their wrinkles and gray hairs. Perhaps, the company that makes these cookies is part of a global conglomerate which also makes Oil of Olay. Come to think of it, my tongue has never had such a youthful glow. Either way, it shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did. That’s because that little “s” made me think of another word that starts with “s”: Settling. It made me think that we were being told not just to accept the state of not being perfect, but rather, to accept everything that is wrong, that is not perfect, with ourselves. To settle and accept even those things which we didn’t like but could change about ourselves. I didn’t like that one bit.
But for that “s,” that darn little “s,” there would have been no nagging sensation in the back of my mind, no inexplicable tugging at my conscience, and no incoherent rambling for you to look upon, dear reader. It made me think about the thing which I could have changed about myself for over a decade, but didn’t: My weight.
I’ll address the history of my weight later, but to sum up, I’ve been a pretty big dude for about 12 years now, since freshman year of college. So, I’ve decided to do something about it. I’ve decided to not settle and accept the fact that I am just fat and that’s the end of it. I need to be better for myself, my wife and my girls.
So that’s where we are, readers. This is the journey we begin, and it promises to be a long, difficult but hopefully entertaining one. I will always be looking for help, tips, encouragement and someone to keep me in line. So, please chime in and share anytime you feel like it. Thanks for being here.
Tomorrow: The First Weigh-In…Ugh.
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