Respect the Cruller, and TAME the Donut: Immediate Changes - Diet

Ok, here’s the problem: I like food. I mean, I really like food. And, well, I like bad food. Pizza, cheesesteaks, bagels, big pasta meals: these are the staples I grew up on in Jersey. Of course, as an active kid and teenager, I could eat these things with reckless disregard for my health. (You see, I had Nintendo, but I didn’t spend all day playing video games. I was actually playing in this strange and mysterious place called “outside.”) But now, in my 30s, you can find the evidence of all of these foods in my considerable rear-end.
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Obviously, I am going to be eating less, fewer calories. Not an ultra-low calorie diet, because that won’t work in the long-term. I’ll be going for foods with whole grains, high protein and low fat (but some fat, especially good fats). I will eat lots of fruits and vegetables, as well. Again, as with the exercise, I will be doing research and trying new things as I go along. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated, and I will write about them here. For now, here are some key points I need to address:
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I need to make like Whitney Houston, and get off the Coke.
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Aww, Hell to the No!
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No, I’m not talking about the magical nose powder that has helped keep celebrities skinny over the years. (Hey, there’s a diet tactic I haven’t tried!) I refer to a substance much more addictive: Coca-Cola.
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Let me tell you, I just love that bubbly, brown sugar-water. Coca-Cola’s original recipe contained cocaine, and I’m 62% certain it no longer does. Nevertheless, I’ve been addicted, and I know a lot of people are out there with me. So, the plan to start is to transition through Diet Dr. Pepper, which has no calories and twice the number of ingredients the average person can’t pronounce.
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Eventually, I will get rid of soft drinks altogether. No matter how much we believe it, diet drinks aren’t good for you, either. The answer: water, water, water.
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The Mysterious and Elusive “Well-Balanced Breakfast”
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I love cereal commercials, especially the ones that tell you that “Super Fruity Cocoa Sugar Bombs are part of a well-balanced breakfast.” The picture which, presumably, is portraying the “well-balanced breakfast”, includes the following:
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- An orange
- A banana
- Two slices of dry whole-wheat toast
- An 8 oz. glass of milk
- An 8 oz. glass of juice
- Vitamin supplements
- An IV containing all the vital nutrients your body needs
- Insulin
- And, finally, one tiny bowl of the cereal.
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So, what is one to do for breakfast? The most important meal of the day is the one most often skipped. I’m guilty of that. In fact, here are my top-4 breakfast scenarios in order of descending frequency:
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1. No breakfast – This, believe it or not, it is the worst thing you could do for yourself.
2. One huge bowl of cereal – Have you actually ever measured out one serving of cereal? Try it. You’ll be mortified.
3. Two Bagels – If Ohio had pork roll, this would probably be #2.
4. Two chicken biscuits from Chick-Fil-A - Have you tried these things?!! They are awesome! I’m just lucky there isn’t one within 15 mintues of me.
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Snap! Pop! Crackle just fainted. Pick him up and get him out of here.
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Yes, I’ve been messing up breakfast big time. Where do I go from here? Well, I will have a piece of fruit along with a bowl of sensible, grown-up cereal (i.e. Total, Special K, etc.) as my “standard breakfast,” so to speak. If I want to mix it up, I can make some eggs. I’ll also take any suggestions in mixing up a healthy breakfast, because I clearly need help.
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Stop Adding Donuts to Everything
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In college, my friend, Mike, and I came up with the “Donut Diet.” The basic concept was that there was no food so unhealthy that you couldn’t make it worse (but more delicious) by adding donuts to it. Think hot dogs are bad for you? Try sliding one of those puppies between two crullers. Worried about the calories in Peanut Butter Cups? Stuff a couple into a jelly-filled mound of fried dough. I know what you’re thinking: What about donuts? Just add more donuts, my friend.
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Mind you, we never actually partook in this diet. It was just a joke. However, in thinking about what I’ve been doing to the wonderfully delicious and healthy meals Beth has been making for me, I might as well have been adding donuts to everything.
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For example, my wife makes a fantastic Black Bean Vegetarian Chili. It tastes great and is chock-full of healthy goodness. So, what do I do to it? I add cheese, sour cream, guacamole and, if we have any, tortilla chips or Fritos. In other words, I'd add fat, fat, ultra-delicious fat and fried fat. I may as well have dumped a whole box of Munchkins in there, too.
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This is what I'm talking about. I need to be making smart, healthy choices. And now, I think, I'm on the right path.

P.S. Immediate pop culture bonus points for anyone who can tell me from where the title of this post comes.